I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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