Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
