You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
