I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
