Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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