Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
