Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
