Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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