life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
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Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
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I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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