jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Yo dont text me then not text me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
