I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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