he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
