apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
