took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
