Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
