Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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