I seem to have left my pride at pride
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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