i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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