are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
