Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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