yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize