I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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