He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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