best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
