so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
