Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
