fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
