i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
