i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
