Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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