Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
