I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
