did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
