You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
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You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
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We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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