I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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