Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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