The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
