I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
