At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
