At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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