i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
