ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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