i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
