I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
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He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
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Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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