Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
sex in a hospital.. check
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
