I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
