I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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