If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
