yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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