I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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