She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
