I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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