dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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