Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
