Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I just shit out all my problems.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
