I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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